We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You Might Also Like
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
respect
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
The glockness monster
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man