Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’d rather go liquor treating.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out