Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.