This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
No laws when master is gone
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Pandas 🐼🖤
Personal question. #JustSaying
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.