Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast