I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA