5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.