ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.