won’t smith
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Is this you?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
🤣
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.