Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey