No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
You Might Also Like
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Life cycle of cat
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”