I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.