Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension