Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
The prophecy is fulfilled
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl