Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
(2022)
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Um … Hot Wings please
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun