Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
How long do you have to wait between naps?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.