“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
But is it really??
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.