Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
#Caturday
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”