Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court