Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?