Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You Might Also Like
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m having an out of money experience.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.