A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.