My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Oh thanks BBC.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.