Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
classic mixup
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting