*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Selfie
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
#SCOTUS one-star review
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.