Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”