Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.