People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The 6 types of sex
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Lassie, get help!
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Des Moines Police having a normal one
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The Onion called it…again.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.