friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
guys I’m going home
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.