In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
#polloftheday
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.