sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.