[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Coffee is ready.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.