[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”