dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
You Might Also Like
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother