I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You Might Also Like
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.