I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Love this guy
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
haha same
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.