Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The days of good grammer has went
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy