Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work