Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If looks could kill
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.