Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans