[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
when someone compliments me
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.