“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.