In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
You got this…