Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*me flirting
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
where the womens at?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on