Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*