ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.