Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
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You’ll be OK
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option