Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
what day is it?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.