Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history