Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct